"Things I Drive My Psychologist Crazy With": This Episode: "I Think I Might Be Gay!"
2:30 AM - Phone Call - Wednesday Night:
My Psychologist: Hello; who's there?
Me: It's me, Dark Riddle...
My Psychologist: Riddle, it's very late, is this an emergency!?
Me: Well, yeah - kinda'...
My Psychologist: (sighs) Okay, what is it now???
Me: I think I might be Gay!!!
My Psychologist: Really? -- and why is that, Riddle???
Me: I just seen Clint Eastwood's son in a movie...
My Psychologist: (whispers - here it comes) And???
Me: That is one handsome motherfucker! What the hell, why does God make people like that?!?
My Psychologist: So you think you're gay because you feel Clint Eastwood's son is handsome???
Me: Well, yeah, basically and maybe a few other things...
My Psychologist: (um hmmm) Okay, I'll bite - like what else?!?
Me: Um, I always liked when Bugs Bunny dressed as a woman - and I thought John Leguizamo was hot when he played ChiChi in Too Wong Fu - and --
My Psychologist: Whoa, whoa there. -Okay, let's get to the bottom of this, Riddle. Do you know you have to be BORN Gay to be Gay? Also, how old are you now? Like 45, correct? You see; real Gay people realize they are Gay at about puberty, did you notice any changes like that?
Me: Really? Gay people know they are Gay at about puberty? What the hell is that about? Are they like the X-Men - that's when the Mutants first get their Mutant Powers!!!
My Psychologist: Whatever, Rid - just think of Gay People like superheroes then. They all get their Gay powers at about puberty - do you have any "Gay-Powers"!?!
Me: Well, no - not that I can think of, but I did have a crush on this one girl with really broad shoulders!
My Psychologist: That won't do. You see, Rid - you have to have fantasies and other sexual desires for men to actually be Gay - not just think a man is handsome...most men think the same thing you do. Do you know why you think Clint Eastwood's son is handsome?!
Me: Uh, why?
My Psychologist: Because HE IS!!!
Me: But doesn't that make me Gay?!
My Psychologist: No, it does not. What makes people Gay is their sexual preference and desires. Now, have you ever had long lasting thoughts about other men, like dreams and such?
Me: Well, I did have this really cool dream that me, Danny Devito and Bono from U2 mugged one of those Mexican Paleta Ice Cream cart guys! That was pretty damn mean of us, when I think back on that...
My Psychologist: I meant sexual dreams of men!
Me: well, no.
My Psychologist: You see, Riddle - you are NOT Gay, now can you please let me get back to sleep?!?
Me: Wait - but I remember in my dream that Bono and Danny Devito pushed over the cart and instead of ice cream, there were those buttered "Elote" corn things! Maybe those were symbolic for dicks!!!
My Psychologist: (Grrrragh) Riddle who are your most favorite sexual people, just at the top of your head???
Me: Sophia Vergara, Milla Jovovich, Hilary Swank, oh...and back in the day, Brook Shields -you know that whole thick eyebrow shit is coming back, right?!
My Psychologist: Okay then; you see - ALL women NO men! Are you satisfied now?!?
Me: Yeah, I guess...
My Psychologist: Great, now good night and have a --
Me: Wait, I just thought of something -all those women are kind of guy-ish! That makes me Gay!!!
My Psychologist: (Arrhg) What now - how the hell is that?!
Me: Hilary Swank looks like a dude and even played a girl, playing a dude, in that movie Boys Don't Cry! - and Milla Jovovich sure is pretty, but body-wise, she might as well be a little boy, all skinny and boobless...
My Psychologist: (Grraah) Really and what about Sophia Vergara - there can't possibly be anything masculine about her!!!
Me: She is the worst one!
My Psychologist: What the hell - how so???
Me: The Spanish word for "Dick" is actually in her last name - "Verga" as in "Vergara"!!!
My Psychologist: (Oooooh) That does it - do you crave sex with men, yes or no!?!
Me: What do you mean, like actual sex? Like having some one stick their "Pinga" in my booty!!! Hell no, that seems pretty damn rude to me! And this whole sucking dick business, like having someone's nuts all up in your face - that is some nasty shit! Who could actually do something nasty like that!?!
My Psychologist: My point exactly - Gay people do, but they don't see it as vulgar like you do, you idiot!!!
Me: What kind of crap is that? So just because I don't like Gay sex I can't be Gay? I really like Gay people, man! What kind of prejudice crap is this - just because I don't like dicks I can't be Gay! Now that is so unfair!!! Why can't you just let me be Gay!?!
My Psychologist: Because you are NOT Gay, you moron! Now please take a pill and go to sleep!!!
Me: Okay...I guess you proved your point.
Phone Hangs up:::::::::
3 Minutes later - PHONE RINGS:::::::
My Psychologist: (Gosssh damn!) Riddle this better be damn important!
Me: It is...
My Psychologist: (sighs heavily) What is it NOW?!?
Me: I think I might be a Lesbian!!!